Defending the Mansion
by J. Gentleman
Summary: I often joke about how my occupation before dying and coming to this world was protecting my house from intruders, when really, that's just the euphemism all neets use. In comparison, I now spend my days actively protecting my very own mansion from burglars and the like. WARNINGS: LN SPOILERS; M for leMons; extreme "-ris" bias. Ch 3 - 100%
1. Chapter 1

**Cheers to 40010Prototype's CHOYQUZU! for the general beginning Chris scenario, where I just sprinkled a bunch of my own scenes afterwards.**

 **Characters from KonoSuba.**

 **! WARNING: CONTAINS LIGHT NOVEL SPOILERS !**

 **! WARNING: CONTAINS LEMONS ! (as if that's secondary, lol)**

 **! WARNING: CONTAINS EXTREME "-RIS" BIAS ! (as in, all girls whose names do not end with "ris" are gutter trash, but that probably won't stop the lemons)**

 **Extremely Important Note: Why exactly does Kazuma's name tag on Fanfiction have a capital A in it? Doesn't that bother anyone else?**

 **Xxxxx**

I often joke about how my occupation before dying and coming to this world was protecting my house from intruders, when really, that's just the euphemism all neets use. In comparison, I now spend my days actively protecting my very own mansion from burglars and the like.

For example, here comes a thief right now, through the window. This one seems to be making a habit of coming at night when everyone's asleep and trying to steal my treasure.

The moonlight bounces off the trademark silver hair of the Silver Haired Thieving Group's Big Boss. She's using the Thief class's [Hide] skill to avoid detection, but I know she's there. I can see her clearly with my [Night Vision] skill. What's more, I am also using [Hide], and I manage to sneak up behind her. Next is a combo attack.

I first use [Steal] to take an article of clothing from her-It ends up being her facemask. I guess that means she's not wearing any underwear.

I then activate [Bind] using the mask as the material to gag her. This is extremely important. If I do not gag her, she will utter the words that spell GAME OVER for me:

 _"Kazuma, wait, it's me, Chris!"_

If I allow her to say who she is too quickly, I'll have no choice but to let her go.

 _"Oh, Chris. I did not know it was you. I merely saw a thief, so I was about to capture her and punish her for trespassing."_

 _"Ack."_

 _"So what brings you to my mansion?"_

 _"N-nothing! I just got the wrong mansion! I'm leaving now!"_

That's how the first time went. I immediately knew why she came and what she was after. And I will do whatever I can to prevent her from getting it.

I found sexual harassment works the best to keep her at bay. This information about her weakness led me to come up with these naughty methods of using my skills to incapacitate her.

Now that she has been successfully silenced, I can run up and tackle her from behind! I seal her movements with my arms and start groping her lacking chest with my hands. Not that I mind her chest being lacking. She can still flail her forearms around, but I'm keeping her elbows locked against her sides.

I move one hand down to unbuckle her belt, and use the other hand to pull up her tiny top. Since she's not wearing underwear, I can access these areas more readily. When I pinch one nipple and slide one finger down along her slit, she elicits a muffled moan and tries to grab my arms. I doubt she has the strength to resist me, but just in case she does, I'll use [Drain Touch] to bring her magic level down to about 80%.

Suddenly, I feel a whole lot stronger, luckier, and bolder. I venture my finger deeper into her private part. Damn. I also feel my own private part getting bigger and harder against her soft butt.

That's enough. I can't wait any longer! I pull down her tiny jean shorts, as well as my own jersey pants, just low enough to expose her hole and my dick. Then I lean forward, bending her over too.

I'm going in!

Ah... So soft... And it went in so smoothly! Chris shudders. My finger is doused with a warm liquid... Then I realize my finger is still inside her pussy and isn't conflicting with my penis.

...What just happened?

Just then, "Puah!" It seems Chris managed to spit out her gag.

"Ka-Kazuma, hah, wait! Ti-time out! Ah, I, nghaa, I'm so weak..."

She looks back with a pair of sexy bedroom eyes.

"...Chris? It was you?" I feign surprise.

Unsuccessfully.

"You knew, hah, you knew it was me the whole time!"

She knows I have [Night Vision].

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I was just apprehending a thief that I happened to catch sneaking around my mansion. I shouldn't just allow her to steal from me, right?"

Justice is on my side.

"Jeez, you wouldn't stick your dick into just any random thief's ass, would you?"

...You don't know that. You just happen to be the only thief that comes to my mansion for any purpose. Although I seem to have missed my aim when entering, Chris doesn't look displeased one bit. I guess you can say I lucked out, finding her weak point right away.

Still, I can't let her know it was accidental, so I'll pretend I was an ass man all along.

"You're right. Chris is my main heroine after all."

"...You're the worst." She says, looking away.

"Hey!" I make her look back and immediately steal her lips before she can respond. I'm pouring all my feelings into this kiss, I hope she accepts. That calms her down a little, so I guess I can start moving my hips. Since I'm no longer locking her arms, she brings one arm around my head and pulls me deeper into the kiss.

"Nngh..."

She's really getting into it. Her gluteal muscles are giving me such a wonderful massage. It feels like I'm in heaven. Well, even if I say that...

She is my Goddess, after all.

"Eris-sama! I'm at my limit!"

"Wait, slow down! I am too! Nghaa!"

Such a cute cry just adds more force to my flow. If I pull out now, I'll get it all over the walls. So I keep it in. And fill her ass up.

"Hah... Hey, how did you even know that goddesses prefer anal? Did senpai tell you? You didn't do it with her, did you?" She sounds concerned and jealous, and I do not hate it at all.

"Huh? With Aqua? Don't joke around like that...I'm just an ass man."

"Oh."

I don't know if she bought it or what she's thinking.

Ahh... Chris looks spent, so I princess carry her to my master bedroom and lay her down on my king-size bed. As I'm spent too, I crawl over to her head and line my tip up with her mouth. I let the last drops of my cum trickle into her mouth. She responds with a suction kiss to my tip, making a slurping sound.

"...Shit, I got an erection again."

"Nngh?!"

I feel it returning to its maximum size between Chris's lips. Without removing it, I lift her head up, and set her up against the headboard. I also clasp her head between my hands. Now that she has no room for movement, I have no way of screwing up my aim like last time. I mean, I wouldn't want to poke her eye or anything. I push my entire length in, straight through her lips, over past the back of her wet tongue, and all the way down into her throat.

Man, if I thought her ass was heavenly, her throat is completely divine!

Her eyes are bulging, and her pupils are shaking. That's probably a bad sign, so I back out enough to let her breathe. Do goddesses even need to breathe? I don't think Aqua does. Anyway, I wait until Chris's breathing becomes steady again and her facial muscles relax. Then I slowly push it back inside. She's a lot more accepting this time. When I go all the way back in and her lips touch my base, she looks up at me with the same bedroom eyes as before.

If she likes it, then I'll start repeating the motion, while gradually increasing my speed. My hips are getting tired though, so I pull her away from the headboard and plop myself down in the middle of my bed. But I don't remove my hands or cock from her head.

In this sitting position, I can pump her head up and down like a piston. I can go faster like this, but it'll probably make her dizzy. I already see her eyes spinning. But I'm so close to my second! She'll just have to bear with it for a while. Once again, I can't afford to get any on the wall, so I force her head down as hard as I can and shoot load after load straight into her stomach.

I feel kind of bad for that one though, being so rough with her. I let go of her head and put my hands behind me for support. Her eyes are closed. She's not moving. That's extremely worrying.

"Hey, Chris?"

I gently brush the her short, trademark silver hair out of her eyes with my thumb. She's still warm. Before I can move my hand to her neck to check for a pulse, she opens her eyes and rises from my cock. Ah, what a relief! She uses her fingers to stretch the corners of her mouth open wide and sticks out her tongue to show me the disappearance of my seed from her mouth. I have no idea where the hell she learned that, but I do know that I love this girl. And that I have another boner.

I can't help but tackle her again and kiss her with even more passion than before. I taste something peculiar, and then realize it's a mix of my penis and her ass. That's really disconcerting, but it's no where near the amount of humiliation I just put Chris through, what with making her deepthroat a dick that's been in her ass. I hope she doesn't hate me for it. That's why I'm kissing her, to show that I too can be as humble as I make others. That she's not only kissing me back, but also embracing me tight like we've been separated for years means I shouldn't worry.

"Now it's your turn, Chris. You decide the next position."

When we finally break, I point to my rod, letting her know that I still have some fight in me.

"...Honestly, I was scared at first, but overall, you actually know how to treat me really well. It was surprising. It'd be a shame to say no. A-alright, Kazuma, lie down and let me have my way with you." She says, feigning confidence, but I see a faint blush becoming more prominent the more she talks.

"Alright, but if you do something I don't like, I'll use [Drain Touch] to rob you of your movement."

"That's terrible! Just shut up and lie down! You'll love it, I promise!"

A real goddess's promise. That means it has to be true. I will love it, whatever it is. I have no problem surrendering myself to her now, so I lie down like she wants me to.

While I'm waiting, Chris removes all of her clothes and throws them to one corner of the room. Then she positions herself over me. Specifically, she stands with both feet on either side of my head, facing toward my feet and the headboard. If I look straight up, I have a clear view of both her holes. Her puckered anus still has some of my white seed inside, while her cunt is glistening with her own cum.

Now they're coming closer to my face. Ah, it's because she's squatting down. Is this what she had in mind? Well, I'm enjoying the view, but I wouldn't say I'm loving it. Oh, she's landed. So squarely on my face that the tip of my nose has already penetrated her ass. It feels wet. I obviously can't breathe, so I have to open my mouth. When I do, her pussy juices drip down and land on my tongue. Despite the difficulty breathing, it's a very refreshing flavor, and overall a very interesting experience.

But Chris doesn't stop there. She reaches forward and starts stroking my boner with her hand. That's normal enough, I think. But then she leans forward even further, lifting her ass up off of my nose and touching her pussy down onto my mouth. Yes, this 69 position. I'm starting to like it more.

I feel her lips on my dick again. I figure it's time for me to move too. I bring my hands up to her butt cheeks and give them a nice, forceful squeeze, pulling her closer so I can make out more passionately with her lower lips.

In response, Chris goes down all the way to my base once again-oh! It's different! This is from a different angle after all, so I can definitely discern this new sensation from the previous deepthroat. She can move her hands to massage my balls too. Yes, yes, you were right all along, Eris-sama! I love this position! I'm so glad I chose you over my relatively useless teammates, Megumin and Darkness! They would never think of something like this! And Aqua doesn't even count.

Wait, I should calm down. Thinking of other girls during sex might mess up my mojo. Let's think only of Eris-sama. And Chris. Come to think of it, if she was wearing her elegant goddess robes, would I squeeze her ass and hammer her throat the same way? Well, she's wearing nothing right now, so it's kind of like she's in both personae at this moment. Ah! Imagining receiving a deepthroat from two people at the same time is enough to tip me over the edge!

"Ah! Eris-sama! Chris! I'm coming down your throat again!"

Even though I'm not holding her head down like last time, she stays down on it by her own accord and allows me to shoot full force into her stomach, just like before. I'm guessing she just prefers being filled over being covered.

A split second after my third ejaculation, Chris showers my face with her own second-or is it her third as well? I feel like I'm drowning. But compared to all my previous deaths, this has to be my favorite. Before, the only good thing about dying so often was meeting Eris-sama every single time. But wait.

...If I die now, who's going to greet me in the afterlife this time? If Eris-sama is here with me right now, that means she's off duty. Will there be someone else in her place? Or will I have to wait until she comes back before she can resurrect me?

Everything's black. I think I'm already there. I can't feel anything save for a pleasant sensation on my lips. And suddenly, my lungs fill with oxygen and I'm back.

"Cough, cough!"

So Chris performed CPR on me. Looking back, that was pretty pathetic of me. Chris could take my servings no prob, but I couldn't take hers. And then she used the same mouth that was blowing me to breathe life back into me before it was too late. But I can't complain about anything. I'm real fortunate that it's her.

"...I think we went too far." She says, looking away. "So let's call it a night." She starts getting dressed. "Have sweet dreams, Kazuma." She says with a smile. "And I'll give up on my target. I think you deserve it." She looks at my wall. "But I'd still appreciate it if you didn't display them out in the open like that. At least put them away in drawer..."

She's talking about my special collection of 29 panties arranged to spell out "Chris [クリス]" in katakana. This was her goal since the beginning. Well, they were all originally hers, after all.

"No way. They are my most prized possessions, you know. But I hope this doesn't mean you won't come over anymore just to have some fun at least. I want to start a new art piece that spells out 'Eris-sama [エリス様]' on the opposite wall."

"You're going to take more?!-" Just then, she shuddered. "Shit, senpai's coming this way! We'll talk about your kleptomania later. I'm Audi Five Bajillion, peace!" As she jumps out the window.

Where the hell did she learn those phrases? And I don't want to hear about kleptomania from a thief-by-class. I head toward my bed before hearing a knock at the door.

...I did lock it, right?


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm proud that at least 2 readers could discern the source material, considering there's only one translated h-doujin w/ Chris out there right now, and also considering I pointed it out by name in the first line of the first chapter. I really liked the premise, but I didn't get my fill of Chris from the 10 pages allocated to her. That's the only reason this exists.**

 **That said, I'm not going to novelize pages 14-25. You can find enough of that from other h-doujins and smut writers. The rest of this doesn't really have any source material. I'm just winging it as I go along. Thus I landed on a setting where a bitch gets destroyed, as below.**

 **I'm not super cereal about this fic, so if it ends up not fitting into your list of fetishes, I don't mind if you drop it. I'm not going to spend too much time and effort on this one, when my other T-rated fic still gets more views and reviews anyway. Or maybe that just goes to show that there are more non-perverted readers on this site than perverted readers.**

 **Xxxxx**

"Kazuma, I heard a loud noise. Was it another intruder?" Aqua's voice sounds from behind the door.

"Uh, that's right! But you don't have to worry, I drove them away, easily!"

"I also found this black mask on the ground. That means you saw their face with [Night Vision], right? And you said you drove them away rather than catching them. Who was it? Anyone we know?"

...Why is this idiot only sharp at the strangest times?

Wait, why is she up at this hour, too? She usually sleeps through all my encounters with Chris. And it's around 3 in the morning. 12 to 5 A.M. is strictly Kazuma time, the only time of day when I'm free to do whatever I want.

"Just go back to sleep, I'll tell you in the morning, (if I can remember)." I mutter the last part, softly. I obviously plan on not telling her, ever. [What were you drinking last night? Sounds like you just dreamt all that up.] is what I plan on saying.

"I can't sleep. Tell me a good joke so I can fall asleep, laughing."

What does she want from me all of a sudden? I could show her my exposed, semi-soft penis, currently poking out through my jersey pants. I remember her laughing at it the first time she saw it by accident. No, that's most certainly a bad joke with plenty of dangerous consequences. I need to get my head out of the gutter.

"I know, show me your penis. That was a good joke the last time I saw it."

This bitch! Oh I'll show her, all right! Luckily, I can still get hard because I'm surrounded by Chris's scent. I swing the door open, lift Aqua up by her waist, and throw her at my bed. She lands on her face, shoulders, and knees, with her butt sticking up in the air. She's wearing her light blue pajamas and night cap that match her hair.

"You wanted to see this?" I say as I point down at my hard-on.

She lifts her head up enough to turn it my way. Her eyes grow wider. How do you like me know, huh? Then her face contorts into an arrogant smirk, she moves one hand up to partially cover her mouth, and lets out a "Hu!" sound. All while her butt's still held high like a flag.

...This bitch. As if she's thinking: [You won't. There's no way you're man enough to take what's in front of you.]

Hah, too bad for you, but I've already tasted better. You won't tempt or trigger me with that unsexy facial expression. I cross my arms and return an evil smirk of my own.

Soon enough, her expression changes to something anxious, and she starts fidgeting, wiggling her butt at me.

"H-hey, Kazuma, w-what are you waiting for?"

"I'm waiting for you to get up off my bed and leave, so I can resume my masturbation session."

"What?! How can you say that to a girl who's-?!" *Kaaaa~ Ah, there's the blush fit for a girl my age. Not that I give a damn about a useless piece of info like Aqua's age.

"What are you shouting about? I already did what you wanted me to do, right? I showed it to you. Now go back to your own room, and have wet dreams by yourself." Wait, did I say wet dreams? I meant to say sweet dreams. Now it sounds like I'm sexually harassing her. "Or did you want me to do something else?"

"Kh! You dare make a goddess say something like that?"

"You're absolutely right." Looking back at my time with Chris, "A true goddess doesn't need to say it. She just does it. Hey, wasn't that your number one ideology or whatever? Doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with no hint of hesitation or regret?" Again, not that I care.

Apparently, saying that flipped a switch inside Aqua. She springs off the bed toward me. I have to take a step forward before catching her, else I'd have been blown back and have knocked my head against the ground.

The moment I catch her, she latches on with all four limbs, and steals my lips. A chaste one with no tongue. Has she never done this before? Should I use this opportunity to teach her what I've learned? To show her who's boss?

Nah, I have no obligation to enlighten her. I don't care. She can do what she wants. There's no way she could be a better lover than her kouhai.

Finally, she starts figuring something out. She starts drooling, which moistens my lips enough to open just a bit. Oh no. My mouth, which was filled with Chris's flowery flavor is slowly being replaced with Aqua's alcoholic flavor. What should I do? If she's clinging to me like this, then I don't need to hold her, so I bring my hands up to her face to push her away.

"Mm-mm!" She somehow manages to suck my tongue in and clamp down with her watery lips. I can't escape unless I fight back. She's dominating the top, so I'll have to strike from the bottom. Her big, pajama-covered butt is currently resting on my shaft. All I need to do is grab her butt cheeks apart and line my rod up with her back entrance. It doesn't even matter if she's wearing pajamas. The soft cotton material envelops my tip as I push the fabric into Aqua's anus.

"Mm?!-Ah!" That seems to have worked. "My butt~?! But hah-how did you know~?!"

Obviously because Chris told me, but I'd never disclose that. I push her hips further down my length. More pajama fabric is pulled from around into her asshole, leading to constricting the blood flow to her legs. That means she has a harder time holding on to me with her legs, so she sinks even further.

"Why-"

Huh? Why, what? Why am I sodomizing you through your clothes? Isn't it because you're a bitch?

"Why did you make me wait so long~?"

...The hell is she talking about?

By the time her cotton-clad buttocks have reached my thighs, she has already come in her pants.

That's another reason I opted to keep them on. So she wouldn't spray all over my jersey. I don't want it to smell like Aqua.

She looks like she's satisfied. This selfish girl. I lift her up off of it and set her down kneeling on the ground, her face level with my still rock-hard cock. I want her to know that I was the one who brought her to orgasm, but she couldn't bring me to mine.

"Hey. I hope you're not giving up. Or do you want me to make fun of you for being unable to make a guy come despite all your efforts?" I was probably being way too mean to her.

"Ah!" She's just now realizing. She leans forward and captures it in her mouth. That determined look on her face isn't bad. I prefer it to her usual shit-eating grin.

Should I help her out? Nah, it'd be best if she learned to work for it. She has a long road ahead of her if that's the best she can do, though. Unfortunately for her, I've been conditioned by Chris to not come from a standard blowjob unless it goes all the way to my base and nothing less.

Aqua's getting really impatient now. Her mouth is filling up with her own pure-water saliva. If it was normal saliva, the acidity might elicit a response from me. Poor girl. She closes her eyes tight and tries to go faster and deeper. Tears form at the corners of her eyes. Maybe she deserves a little help.

The moment I think that, she throws her arms up around my midsection and locks them behind me. So she's planning to pull me toward her to get deeper than she was before. Wow, she's almost there. Alright, Aqua, you win. I'll give it to you.

I activate [Bind] on Aqua's arms behind my back, using Aqua's hair as the material. The result is that her lips are finally at the base, at the cost of her being locked in place until [Bind] wears off. Which'll be anywhere between two minutes to half an hour.

At the very least, I'll be able to answer the question from a while ago about whether Aqua needs to breathe.

Her panicking eyes open wide for a second before looking up as if she's asking for something. That's the expected response. I look down at her as if I'm looking at a toilet. When I add a little more poison to my glare, Aqua's face turns red immediately, and she closes her eyes again. I expect her face to turn purple and blue eventually, but it settles to a warm pink around her cheeks, instead.

She tries bobbing her head up and down, but she doesn't have enough freedom of movement. So she just works the muscles inside her mouth and throat, coiling her tongue around my cock wildly, pushing it up to her palate and giving it a tight squeeze, along with her expanding and contracting throat muscles. The increasing water pressure is also adding to the squeezing sensation.

Is that enough sensation for me? Yes it is! I can hardly believe it.

"Fuck, Aqua, G-good job-"

I have to hand it to her. I never thought Aqua could ever get me to come with her own efforts. But I can't let it end like this. I tunnel my fingers through her silky, blue hair and find a nice grip to hold her head in place. Then I turn around 180° and thrust forward with all my strength, slamming the back of her head against the door before unloading everything from my balls down her esophagus. Or down her wind pipe. Either way is fine with me.

It takes me a while to finish unloading, so by the time I'm done, the effects of [Bind] have ended too. I let go and she falls to all fours, coughing and sputtering.

"So, I-I'm, hic- I'm better, r-right?" She says as she looks up. Tears are streaming down her pink cheeks. She also has a broken smile and an altogether worrisome expression.

...What did I just do to this poor girl? What justification did I have for treating her like that? Did she really deserve it? Sure she makes countless mistakes of varying danger levels every day, but I usually just call her names and other verbal abuses. Rarely do I resort to violence.

I take a step back, stumble, and fall on my butt. Now I'm on the same eye level as Aqua. She weakly and slowly crawls her way over to me before falling forward, landing her head on my chest.

"Kazuma..."

"...Hey, I think we went too far. Or I went too far. So let's call it a night. Here, I'll carry you to your room."

I pull my pants back up, pick her up princess-style, and reach for the doorknob when I finally realize it wasn't locked. The whole time.

A few more realizations and theories pop into my head.

Did I just accidentally compromise my boss's identity to the one person that holds any kind of leverage over her?

Did I just cheat on my new girlfriend (I think) with the one girl I never considered to have a route?

Though it's not certain. I could be overthinking a few things. I step out into the hall. It's dark and empty as it should be. By the time we reach Aqua's door, she's already asleep in my arms. I can still pretend this never actually happened, and Aqua was just dreaming the whole thing if she asks.

Alright, so I won't tuck her in or anything. I'll just place her very plainly on her side and cover her very lightly with her blanket. As I'm leaving, she subconsciously tries to grab my sleeve, but I take a step back. I don't want to deal with that shit. I'm outta there before anyone else has a chance to wake up.

I make sure to lock my door, before hiding under my covers, and spending the rest of the morning contriving excuses in case anyone else notices anything wrong and racking my memory for any details I may have missed.


	3. Chapter 3

**I did a weird little experiment, and this was the result.**

 **The hell is this even? I just wanted some more Chris smut, but I ended up developing some sort of weird-ass story instead?**

 **Xxxxx**

 **Chris POV, right after escaping Kazuma's mansion**

Shit, I may have styled on him way too hard back there. What's the use of style points if no one's there to award them to you? I was just trying to show off my clean, completely original ideasーthat are bound to work at least onceーto someone who'll appreciate them. But I won't know for sure how good they really are if my partner blacks out after the third hit...

Actually, he had some pretty clean moves, himself. If I can raise his stamina somehow, I have a feeling we'll both be able to learn a lot more. This is getting exciting. As expected of the famous Goddesses' Pastime. I can't wait for my next time off from work!

Xxxxx

 **Aqua POV, 2:00 PM in the morning (lol)**

What's supposed to happen when I wake up everyday is me showering the world in blessings with my every breath, filled with positive life energy. But that didn't happen today. I can't. I'm in a lousy mood.

My head hurts, but not in the way I'm used to. The back of my head has a bump. Did I hit it against my headboard? Or was it...?

I had a lousy dream. I don't remember too well, just the terrible feeling of something of mine being snatched from me. And even if I snatch it back, it's different. Changed. That sort of terrible feeling.

I turn my head toward the thing hiding in my cabinet. This is all your fault, you thing.

You shouldn't even be in there. You're supposed to be in that stupid pervert Lalatina's room. Why did she even tell me about you?

Stupid Lalatina and her stupid limited edition Kazuma-flavored dildo.

xxxxx

By the time I come down for breakfast, I'm still in a bad mood. Of course, Darkness and Megumin are down before me. That's normal enough. As long as I wake up before Kazuma like usual, I think the normalcy will improve my mood.

"Good morー! What happened to you?!" Darkness looks shocked. I guess my face still looks like a mess, even getting ready.

"I don't feel so good."

"You look like you couldn't get a wink of sleep. It's the first time I'm seeing such intense, Kazuma-esque bags under your eyes."

Even though I apparently slept around 14 hours, I think.

"Speaking of Kazuma, do you know if he said when he's coming back?" Megumin asks while lying down on the couch.

Oh, so he actually woke up before me... Wait... What.

 **Kazuma POV, 10:00 AM**

As I walk down the street, I can feel different sets of eyes on me than usual. A thermal gaze, but no killing intent. When I turn around, I see some middle-aged housewives loitering around the fruit stands. They're all looking away from me, so I can't see their faces. Are they intentionally avoiding eye contact with me?

It's getting a little suspicious. I haven't seen a single female's face since I stepped out of the mansion. And I know who to ask when things get suspicious.

I'm heading to Vanir's consulting booth. It's in a corner of the adventurers guild. I step through the guild doors and finally meet the first pair of female eyes today: the busty guild receptionist onee-san, Luna-san. But even that doesn't last long.

"Kaー!... Satou-san! How... rare to see you come in so early..." Her eyes are wandering off to the right.

"What's the matter? Why'd you turn away?" I prefer to get straight to the point. I'm not going to beat around the bush for this onee-san.

"I... can't really say. Maybe you'll find your answer from Vanir-san over there."

Speaking of the devil's consulting booth, there's quite a long line today, comprised entirely of men.

"Tell me why my wife seems to be avoiding my eyes! Where did I go wrong? What can I do now?" That's apparently the main question everyone's asking.

"Thou hast given her too high an allowance! Start by creating a budget for thy family's personal expenses!" And that's apparently the standard answer.

"Oi, Devil," I ask when it's my turn, "Your part-time job seems quite prosperous today. What did youーrather, you're probably working harder to compensate for the losses of your main job, right? What did Wiz do this time?"

"Foolish Adventurer, thou hast seen through a mere fraction of the truth. 'Tis true Moi's close friend and employer is once again responsible for various shenanigans occurring throughout town, however!" Vanir stands up and slams both hands on his table. "There has been no loss! On the contrary, this is the first time this is the first time the item store has seen any type of revenue from a Wiz transaction! Even though Moi smells something extremely fishy, there is no way in hell Moi would not capitalize on this issue!"

What a financial devil. As usual. But I understand where he's coming from. Can't say I wouldn't make the best (read: take advantage) of a once in a lifetime event either.

"So... you still haven't answered my question though. What did Wiz do?"

"Ha! 'Tis not Moi's place to divulge that person's embarrassing secret. If thou are truly curious, meet her yourself, head straight through the store to the back room, and feast your eyes on true despair." What a creep. As usual. "Moi has decided that Moi shall accompany thou. The despair will be delicious."

Delicious enough to abandon the rest of the long line still waiting their turn, huh?

Xxxxx

 **Third person POV, 10:00 AM**

Wiz is in the back room of her item store. She's wearing her standard purple robe, but with nothing underneath. In front of her are three boxes. In each of the three boxes is the same type of merchandise: a dildo, stylized after a different customer of a certain Café.

She doesn't completely know the origin of these sex toys, but she can guess. The succubi working at the Café have access to various resources and used them all to create molds for mass production. And because of her new contract with the succubi, her store has become the second most popular store in Axel, right after the Café, of course. But unlike the Café whose customer base is 100% male, Wiz's store's customer base has developed to be around 99% female. And the best selling items are the ones in front of her.

Wiz takes a look at the one on the left. It's larger than the other two, maybe even by 1.5 times. It's stylized with two pink vertical stripes going down the sides and a brown stripe going over the head like a mohawk. She still has plenty of this one in stock. Perhaps because most of the women are just too intimidated by the size. It's also probably the hardest to hide in case of company. Mainly, only bold women who liked the thrill of adventure went with this one.

She then looks at the one on the right. It's what one would consider average length, albeit on the slim side. It's colored red and white, with the top half more red and the bottom half more white. This one hasn't sold much more than the other hundreds of other styles she has in stock, but when even a male noble came in, specifically looking for it, _for his own use,_ Wiz became interested.

Finally, the middle one. Also relatively average size, it doesn't stand out much if lined up with the rest of the styles. It's colored predominantly green with a gold diamond pattern around the base. Wiz wondered for a long time why this style sold far more than the rest. Then she heard from customers that its taste was its greatest selling point. She originally had stock of 100 of each style. Now she had less than 10 of this one.

She of course kept a few for herself, just in case. She can't keep saying she's never tried any of the items she sells when a customer asks for her opinion, after all.

Making sure the sign of her shop said closed one more time, and no one would interrupt her, Wiz unboxes all three at once. She's already decided the green one will go in her mouth, so without removing her robe, she lines up the other two on a workout mat, underneath her. She's not as confident with putting one in her rear, so maybe the nobleman had the right idea with the slim one.

While the toys are firm and maintain their shapes, their surfaces are soft and smooth to the touch. The large one slides up Wiz's descending pussy first. She squeezes the fat, squishy head with her vaginal muscles, and the the dildo fills her crevice up with about a quarter of its length.

"Ooh..."

Wiz descends even further until the tip of the slim, red and white dildo playfully pokes her anus. She thought she'd be more scared, but it actually feels surprisingly nice and inviting. She angles the large one off the mat so she can sit solely on the slim one. It goes up her ass so smoothly that before she knows it, her buttocks have already reached the mat's surface.

"Haah..."

She can now stretch out her legs that were about to cramp from squatting. In this position, she can also lean back and use her hand to move the large dildo in and out of her front hole at a faster pace. She's already leaking womanly fluids. Her ass muscles tighten up, but the dildo in her ass absorbs the pressure with its elasticity and returns the force outward.

"Hyaann!"

She feels so near! Both her lower holes are occupied, but her mouth is open wide in ecstasy. She reaches forward for the final one, the green dildo, and instantly wraps her lips around the head.

She sucks as if she's sucking on an ice pop on a hot summer day. What's this?! How did they do this?! Wiz is shocked! The succubi have created such an item that could cause an extremely unhealthy addiction if the user wasn't careful!

The taste is indeed sweet, and salty, and meaty too! Wiz wonders if the other styles have similar effects, but she already used the other two she brought out for her other two holes. Oh well, she still has plenty extras of those.

She also wonders if the man this green toy is styled after also tastes exactly like this. The succubi definitely had access to such information, after all. Her thoughts trail on. If this object was attached to a man, then she might just have to marry him...

All the while she was wondering, she was also stuffing her mouth with more and more of the green length. By the time she caught herself, it had reached the back of her throat.

'Thank goodness, I nearly lost myself!' She thinks. However!

*Rattle rattle*

She freezes. The door to her backroomーthat no one other than she and Vanir have the key toーis being unlocked. And the person who opens the door...

"Wiz?"

She recognizes him very well. It's the adventurer with the green mant. The one that this... dildo... is...

Wiz faints while all three holes are plugged up.

"Don't die, Wiz!"

Xxxxx

 **Kazuma POV, 10:30 AM**

"I'm not mad."

I'm holding the long, green sex toy that I pulled out of Wiz's throat. It feels strangely familiar when I hold it in my hand. The shape, the size, there's no doubt about it. Even the color scheme screams 'I am Satou Kazuma's penis in portable, plastic form!' At least I think it's plastic.

"Okay, maybe I am mad. I don't mind that you were using this, Wiz, but something like this... shouldn't I be able to sue for infringing on my right of publicity?"

"I, I think you mean your right of privacy, Satou-san..." Wiz is kneeling down before me in shame. Two other dildos of various designs lay on the mat next to her. She pulled those out herself, right after regaining consciousness. They also remind me of some men I'm acquainted with.

"No, I think I'm already a public figure." Her head dips lower in embarrassment. "If anything, this can probably be legal if you just paid me accordingly, and received my permission to sell something based on my identity. I think 70% of the profits it made so far should be fair."

I could have said 90%, but I want to respect this rare business sense of hers this time. I don't necessarily hate this store, and I'd still like to see it prosper.

"Thaーthat would still be the majority of our net income so far..."

Seriously?! That means people actually bought my merchandise? Do I have a fanbase? I hope the demographics of my fans aren't too weird.

"Please, Kazuma-san, can't we negotiate a more reasonable deal? If there's anything I can do to compensate, I mean, you've already seen me in such a compromising position..."

I know what she's doing. I did see how much she looked like she enjoyed the green toy, even while unconscious. She obviously wants to compare the copy to the real thing. What I don't understand is how her negotiation skills evolved since the last time I saw her.

By the way, that devil ran back to the guild after sucking his fill of despair from Wiz's unconscious, undead corpse, so if he has anything to do with it... I guess I can just find out later.

"Then what would you suggest? I'll say it now, if I don't like your idea, I'll stick with the lawsuit."

"ー! Then, first, we can go 50-50, and you can become a majority shareholder of Wiz Corp..."

And when did your humble, beginners' town shop become a corporation?!

"And, if that's no good, we can get married, so as my husband, you'll haveー"

"I'll stop you there." Is this girl really thinking of marriage at this time? What happened to a more 'reasonable deal?' "Why don't you tell me what's really on your mind? You wouldn't marry someone as part of a business deal, would you?"

"That's right, isn't it? Kazuma-san has so many options, but the only chance I have is through a shady business deal."

"And why do you...?"

"Isn't it obvious? I want to compare how the copy tastes to the original. The most legal, or rather, the least regretful way of doing that is marriage."

"And you could only do that through a shady business deal..."

*Sigh* Unfortunately, that would indeed limit my options in the future.

"How about this, since you ultimately want to compare the two, if my original tastes better than the copy, we'll go with my 70-30 split. Otherwise, we'll go with your 50-50 split."

I'm thinking there's no way a dildo based on me could match up to my original, right?

"Deal!" Wiz leans forward, on all fours, like a dog or a cat, inching her face closer to my crotch. "Then, shall I start?"

She gingerly unbuckles my belt and slides my pants zipper down while sporting an anticipating gaze. I'll allow her to go through with these innocuous motions. But she stops at that point, hesitating to pull my dick out through my boxers. What, does she think it's a holy artifact that she'll corrupt if she touches?

"Need some help?" I pull it out for her.

"Ah!" Her tongue inches out of her watering mouth, but her face remains the same distance away.

I'm not really in a hurry, but why am I getting impatient? I hold the sides of her face and close the distance on my own.

At the closest moment, a strong attraction force pulls me in, and Wiz sucks hard!

"Fuck!"

I push her face away. That was dangerous! Wiz looks up in amazement. I think she realizes the gap in quality.

"How is it?"

"It's... so accurate!"

What? That green thing?

"How could that be? Are you saying my penis tastes like plastic?"

"No, it tastes wonderful, like a candy!" She takes it with her mouth again, but she's still really forceful. I just hope she doesn't bite, thinking it's actual candy.

But I still have an ace in the hole, something an inanimate object could never copy.

Since she's being forceful, I'm sure she doesn't mind if I'm forceful back. I quicken my pace and use Wiz's throat as my own sex toy. I pretend it's Kazuma time, at night, while everyone's asleep.

I recall my favorite smell that gets me hard: chrysanthemums... I recall my favorite taste that gets me even harder: pistachios...

Don't worry, Chris, I'm just using a generic oral sex toy to masturbate while thinking of you...

Is, is the sex toy getting tighter, or am I just getting bigger? I'll pretend it's the latter. I'm so close! I angle the toy in such a way that when I splooge, it'll shoot out of the toy's nostrils. But I'll also cover the nostrils with my thumbs so everything remains inside.

Here I come! Uwoh!

...Haa, that was just what I needed. I feel so relaxed!

"*Cough!* Okay, *cough, cough!* Y-you've provedd bbe wrogg, *gulp!* W-we'll go wid your deal..."

Oh yeah, the toy was Wiz. Sorry, Wiz.

"Ahem!" She tries to clear her sinuses. "So that was two things the original has over the toy. First, it can get bigger, while the toy is always the same size. And second, it contains white hot semen that it can fire like a powerful laser beam inside you at full force. I was totally overwhelmed. You completely conquered me. I felt like I almost died and went to heaven."

Right? Though I'd be troubled if you passed on so soon.

"But I still can't discredit the succubi who made these. They're still truly incredible, you know? If we're just talking about the head and shaft, the saltiness, the sweetness, and the meatiness are all on point!"

...Did you say succubi? As in those ladies from the Café? They're behind the dildos?! What happened to their client confidentiality policy?!

"Wait, Wiz, you can't let any other female adventurer in Axel know about these things."

"Hm? I think it's too late for that. I'm pretty sure almost every single female in Axel has come to this store solely because of these dildos. I've already sold at least one of each styーhglrghk!"

"No, shut up! I can't hear anymore!"

"Mnn!?"

"You screwed up, Wiz! As usual! As soon as a single one of your customers realizes the origin of these toys, what'll happen to us guysーno, forget us, what'll happen to the Café?!"

"Mhhmnh!" Wiz apologizes, I think, while looking terrified and filled with regret. Oh, oops, I unintentionally throatfucked her again to shut her up. Sorry, Wiz.

"*Cough!* Please forgive me, Kazuma-san! *Cough!* No, wait, wouldn't it be fine? There hasn't been a single question of who made it or how so far. Maybe they know and are okay with it?"

"As much as I know the girls around Axel, I doubt they could let our relationship with the Café employees slide that easily. Think, how did you advertise these items?"

"I told them they were designed after the men of Axel."

"'Designed'. Not 'directly replicated' or even 'based on'... Well, you didn't lie, I guess it was a half-truth. Then the only way they would be able to tell is if they compared the toy to the real one, like you just did, right? Can you guarantee that something like that won't happen?"

"...But what can I do now? A recall is unacceptable, not only profit-wise, but it'll needlessly draw attention to the items, which my customers want to keep secret! And it's even harder to come up with a reason why because they were all flawlessly made without a single defect!"

"I can't think of anything either. Maybe we'll have to ask Vanir once again. He's bound to have a solution at this point."

 **Xxxxx**

 **I don't hate Wiz. I don't think she's trash at all. She's full of love, and she doesn't hate you even if you bully her (but annoying her or pissing her off are different things). That's a likeable and respectable woman in my book.**

 **So what's she doing in this fic? I thought I had a plan with using the succubi as an engine for some kind of business-related plot, and this was where that path lead. I'm always somehow drawn to these weird side character tangents.**


End file.
